


Until I Die Alone

by softjoseph



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Bromance, Cancer, Complete, Death, Fluff, M/M, Major Illness, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 16:24:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9450185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softjoseph/pseuds/softjoseph
Summary: "I'll always wait for you, Josh."





	

**Author's Note:**

> I originally had this posted on wattpad but, wattpad kinda sucks so i posted this on here.
> 
> this was written before the Cancer cover, by the way.
> 
> lowercase intended.

"i'm scared." he spoke quietly, not wanting to lose his voice again. his petite and frigid fingers were intertwined with mine. he squeezed with what energy he had left, which wasn't much these days.

"I'm scared of dying alone." I turned my head to look at him. his hair was starting to grow back. we were laying in his assigned bed, griping for any source of warmth. the tile floors were too cold for Tyler's feet and they gave me goosebumps. they were without a sign of compassion, and love; they were dead. 

we stared up, laying on our backs, looking to the popcorn ceiling. it had been quiet for awhile. i was counting the lumps on the ceiling but i had lost count when Tyler spoke.

"you aren't going to die alone" i spoke. "i'm right by your side." I squeezed his hand, trying to transfer any of my life to him. he gave me a sad smile.

"but what am I going to do up there? h-how will i know what to do?" his voice was raw as he spoke louder. i pulled him into my chest and lightly pet the little pricks of hair he had growing over his head.

"you can do whatever you want to when you are up there. you'll be able to fly and visit all the cool places you couldn't travel to while you were here." he thought about this for a second.

"whatever i want?"

"mhm." a tear i had been holding in started to make its journey down my face.

"will i be able to visit and see you?" i laughed and hugged him tighter.

"of course. whenever you want. as long as you wait for me up there."

"i'll always wait for you, Josh." he suddenly sat up and coughed red harshly into the bucket beside the firm and mechanical bed. he laid back in my arms. he let out a laugh.

"what are you laughing about?" i asked.

"my own body is killing me from the inside out." he let out another laugh that turned into a quite sob.

"i'm so scared, Josh...what if I don't wake up tomorrow?"

"you will wake up tomorrow. maybe you'll be here, or maybe you'll be somewhere better. you're afraid that you'll die alone. but you aren't. you aren't leaving me. and i'm not leaving you. " i stroked his hair trying to calm him down.

"but i am leaving you."

"physically, maybe... but your body wasn't yours in the first place. your soul will never die. your body may be dying but your spirit and soul are too strong to die. you'll be with me forever, Ty." 

as much as i wanted to say that he would make it and he would wake up tomorrow, i couldn't. because, well he's not. he is very sick and i've known this for awhile. of course i had hope for the future, but now is not the time to lie to him. he is dying and i won't be able to save him. i can just make the situation less painful for him. death shouldn't be scary. everyone has to go through it at some point so why make it a bad thing? I remember when he first told me, we had just finished a show for the release of our band's second album.

 

|-/

"thank you all so much for being here with us tonight. let's make this last one count." Tyler spoke before the last song was played. the crowd danced along with Tyler and the beat of my drumming. the crowd was mainly made up of rowdy teenagers. but they all gave back the same amount of energy as we gave to them. 

Tyler started to cry while singing the end of the song. he held out the last note as he played the last chord on his keyboard. he stood and he didn't bother to even try and hide his tears like he usually does. the small and packed crowd screamed and clapped. i got out from behind the drums and stood beside Tyler, putting my arm around him.

"thank you all for this night. i'll never forget it. i know i won't forget this night." the crowd cheered louder and we bowed together before walking off the small stage. Tyler was still crying so I pulled him into a hug.

"i'm going to miss doing this." he spoke into my sweaty shirt.

"what do you mean?"

"performing shows for people... i'm really going to miss performing our songs for people" he pulled away from me and ran a hand through his hair. his hand stopped and laid lightly against his hair. 

"and my hair... im gonna miss this too..." Tyler petted his hair as a small child would to a puppy.

"Ty, what are you talking about?" he shook his head and then brought his eyes up to mine. i could see it in his eyes, the sparkle of his soul that i had missed. and it was on fire.

"i...i have cancer...i-i have cancer and i'm going to loose my hair. i'm going to get too sick to perform and i'm gonna die..." he started sobbing and latched onto me "i-im going to die and leave you.." my body was moving before my mind could comprehend what he was saying. i held him close and shush him. tears rolled down my face as i spoke.

"Ty if you leave... t-then i guess i have to leave too." his cries softened and he looked up to meet my watery eyes.

"wh-what do you mean?" more tears fell down my cheeks as i held him in my grip. i swayed us to the beat of our hearts letting whatever wanted to come out of my mouth fall out.

"Tyler, I have thought so many times what would my life would be like without you here, right by my side. what would my life be like without you?'" he seemed alarmed when I spoke my heavy heart so effortlessly.

"H-how could you say something as hopeless as that sounds? your life shouldn't stop because... because of me."

"but what if you are my life, Ty?"

|-/

I didn't know his hair would start falling out so... quickly. he had only gone to two treatments of chemotherapy and i could see spots of where his fluffy hair used to be. and in a matter of minutes his hair would be gone, forever.

"yes Josh, i want to do it. my hair is too patchy now to even try and cover up, i just need to shave it off." he stared at himself in his bathroom mirror. i knew Tyler wasn't trying to convince me as much as he was trying to convince himself. so without thinking, i grab the razor from his hands and flip it on. i pulled off my beanie and dragged it straight back, brown curls bouncing everywhere as they fell from my head. I handed the razor back to Tyler and he looked at me in shock.

"well, i guess we both have to shave our head now." i smiled at Tyler who smiled too. he then slowly brought the razor to his head. his hand shook as he dragged the razor back on his head. he pulled off and beautiful brown fluff softly made its way to the ground. tears brimmed his eyes and i immediately took the razor from him again, shaving off more of my hair. he blinked and the tears fell onto his smiling cheeks. he reached up and touched the now bald area on my head.

"thank you, Josh." i pulled him into a hug.

"you don't deserve to go through this alone Ty." i pulled away and rubbed his back. "would you like me to do the rest?" he nodded and i switched the razor on. i stood behind him and as just as i was about to go through his hair i got an idea.

"will you sing for me, Tyler? i love hearing your voice." he nodded before asking.

"what song?" he looked at me through the mirror.

"something from our new album."

"okay." he starting singing house of gold, a song he wrote for his mother. i hummed along with him as i flicked the razor back on and dragged it through his hair. he looked up in the mirror at me but continued to sing the song. he gets so into his songs that he doesn't realize what is going on around him. i effortlessly shaved off his hair and danced to his singing. i sang along to the words that i knew which made him smile.

he looked back up into the mirror when he finished singing the song and i switched off the razor. his head was halfway shaved. he laughed at me.

"you look funny." he laughed again. i looked at my reflection only to laugh as well. i handed him the razor.

"you want to help me with it?" he nodded his head and took the razor from my hand. he laughed again and the thick bald stripe of hair missing from the middle of my head. i smiled at him. his joy was more contagious than the common cold. he flicked on the razor and watched as the brown tuffs fell from my head. he then began to sing again.

"i don't care was in your hair, i just want to know whats on your mind. i used to say i want to die before im old but because of you i might think twice." he looked up at me all while still shaving the hair off my head.

"you make me think twice Josh. when i found out that i had... cancer, i thought i brought this onto myself. i've wished for something like this my whole life. now i regret it because of you." i smiled at him.

"Ty, its not too late. you still have time to beat this." he continued to watch the hair fall from my head. "im going to be with you till the end. you won't leave here alone either. when you go, i go too. this world has lots to offer, but its nothing without you." he put down the razor and the last piece of my hair fell to the floor. he hugged me again and i kissed the top of his half shaven head. he pulled back with tears in his eyes. and he let out a soft laugh and touched my bald head.

"you're bald now because of me." i looked in the mirror and then back and him. i shrugged.

"you are worth it, Ty. you don't deserve to be alone. besides, i look all tough now."i flashed a tough guy look to Tyler in the mirror which made him laugh. i picked up the razor and flicked it on. "keep singing that song about the hair, i like it." he smiled brightly and nodded as he continued the song as i continued to shave off the last bits of hair he had. 

as the last piece of his hair touched the ground, i grabbed my beanie and put it on his now shaved head. he laughed as he reached up to touch the beanie.

"all done!" i said as i watched him smile into his reflection.

"thank you, Josh, for being here."

"thank you, Tyler, for being here."

|-/

Tyler sat behind my drum set playing the drums like a T-rex. i had went to get him some water for his abundance of pills he was prescribed. when i came back, i nearly dropped the glass of water as i saw my friend playing the drums with all but his hands tucked into his shirt. I couldn't help but laugh at him.

"what are you doing?" i asked between laughs. he stopped playing and looked at me.

"jurassicin' me?" he shot me a huge smile at his pun as he went back to playing the drums. i shook my head as i passed the glass of water to him. "i'm just tyrannosaurus wreck-ing-" he paused to see if i got the joke. i smiled and let out a laugh. "-it on the drums." he smiled again at his pun. i laughed and he grabbed the glass from my hand, stepping out from behind the drums. he went out to his bathroom to take all his pills. when he came back, i had a blanket following me around as if it was wings. i squawked and screeched while running around the basement. Tyler was thrown into a laughing fit on the ground. i ran over to him and stopped, staring down at him. 

"boo!" i screeched as he opened his eyes. i held out my "wings" and stared down at him. " i'm a terror-dactyl." i smiled down as he continued to laugh at my terrible pun. i held my hand out to him to help him up. he took my hand and as i pulled him up, my beanie slipped off of his head. it was the beanie i gave to him last month when we both shaved our heads. i told him to keep it so he would have a small piece of me where ever he was. my hair had started to grow back. i made a mental note to ask Ty if he could shave it for me again.

i bent down and picked up my-Tyler's beanie. i hesitated before giving it to him. i took a second to admire his bare head.

"why are you staring at me like that?" he questioned with a smile as he snagged the beanie out of my hand.

"you have a perfectly shaped head" i stated which got me a confused looked from Tyler.

"thanks?" i laughed at his confusion and went to sit behind the drums. Tyler sat behind his piano.

"so how about that new song you wanted to show me." he smiled as he remembered and he instantly sat up straighter. he nodded his head and immediately started playing. 

The song started with a slow and simple melody, starting with an f major chord that flowed into a c. his voice was soft and angelic and he sang along with the chords until the whole chord pattern changed and he began rapping. i started playing a simple beat along with him which made him look up at me and smile. i smiled back and continued playing. 

for the rest of the night it was just Tyler's fingers gliding across the piano keys and my sticks pounding onto the drums all tied together by tyler's swooning voice.

|-/

Tyler had adrenal cancer. he has a cancerous tumor on one of his kidneys adrenal gland, located right at the top of the kidney. 

I remember Tyler always complaining about his back hurting, persistently. so, like any human, he wanted to fix his back. he went to a doctor and they took an x-ray of him. they found a growth that was pushing against a nerve and went up his spinal chord. with more research, they realized it was a tumor that was a little over two inches growing on his kidney. Luckily it had not spread to any other organs before they caught it. 

on july 2nd, 2011, Tyler robert joseph was diagnosed with stage 2 adrenal cancer.  
6 days from that date, Ty and i performed our 2nd album's cd release show. and three days after that, Tyler started chemo. 

it was now september 2nd, 2011, two months after Tyler got diagnosed. Tyler wanted me to go with him to his monthly update and of course i agreed. 

we sat in the waiting room waiting for Tyler's doctor to bring us into his office. Tyler played with his hands nervously, until i put my own hand on top of his. i gave him a soft smile and lightly squeezed his hands under mine. 

"i've got an idea" i spoke. "lets play a game."

"okay."

"alright, so i'll say a name of a person and you are going to tell me if you know or used to know someone named that and then tell me about them." Tyler smiled slightly and shook his head in agreement. 

"okay." he stated again. i thought for a second before speaking. 

"so, how about the name lucas?" 

"well, back when i was in high school there was a kid named lucas and he was abused by his dad." Tyler spoke calmly.  
"do you know anyone named Judy?" he then asked. 

"my old childhood neighbor used to be named judy. she was a big and bold british lady with long blonde hair. she really enjoyed strawberry bon-bons." i smiled at the memory of her. "what about the name pedro?" i saw a smile form on his face. 

"there was this kid in my sixth grade health class who only knew like three english words and drew dicks on everything." i bursted out laughing. he giggled before continuing. "yeah he was super weird like he would smell this chicks hair everyday." a few people in the waiting room looked at us as we laughed. 

"okay, okay, kendall?" i asked. he smiled as he came down from his laughing fit. 

"i knew a girl and a guy named kendall when i was in 4th grade and they hated eachother. so one da-"

"Tyler joseph?" a smiling lady poked her head into the waiting room scaning for Tyler. when her eyes met his she smiled bigger and opened the door wider. Tyler stood up and so did i, following the lady. Tyler's smile had disappeared. 

"so what happened between the dueling kendalls?" i asked. Tyler's eyes lit up as he continued his story. 

"oh! so one day we had a substitute in class and the guy kendall decided to cut off the girl kendall's braids!" he smiled at the memory. we were walking down a bland hallway waiting to arrive at Tyler's doctor's office. "and then the girl kendall had to go through the rest of the day like that because her mom was too busy to pick her up." we had reached his office and we sat down in black leather chairs. 

"wow" i said laughing. "i feel bad for the girl kendall and i dont even know her." we giggled again and finally pointed our attention to Tyler's doctor. 

"how are you Tyler?" he asked. 

"im good, great." Tyler still had a glowing smile on his face. but it faded away as he saw his doctor sigh. i immediately grabbed Tyler's hand and he grabbed it back holding onto it tightly. his doctor leaned forward on the desk slightly. 

"after your first round of chemo, your tumor is showing signs of disease progression. its refusing the chemo treatment. we have slowed its growth significantly, but it still has grown quite an amount. fortunately, it still has not spread to surrounding organs. but if it continues to grow like this, it will." Tyler's hand shook slightly in mine and he looked down at his shoes as the doctor continued. 

"you have not progressed on from stage 2 so it is still too early to label this as terminal. if your tumor continues to refuse treatment, well that might result in it becoming terminal rather quickly. im sorry Tyler. but don't loose hope yet, there is still time for things to turn around." i looked across to Tyler to see a tear fall onto the leather chair. i stroked my thumb lightly against his hand trying in any way i can to comfort him. the doctor grabbed a tissue and handed it to Tyler. 

"when you are ready, we can talk about the next step from here." Tyler nodded, signaling for the doctor to continue. "the fact is, chemo isn't very well known for being effective during adrenal cancer. we can however, try to remove the tumor through surgery. we can put you on mitotane after you have the surgery. the mitotane will get rid of any cancerous cells left behind after the surgery because they were too small to see. giving the drug may delay or even prevent the return of your cancer. but, seeing how resistant your tumor was to the chemo and radiation, there is a small chance your cancer can come back." Tyler was looking down at his shoes so i decided to speak for him. 

"how much of a chance?" i asked. 

"i'd say around five percent." at that Tyler's head shot up and looked at the doctor. 

"f-five percent?" he repeated the doctors words. when the doctor nodded his head i saw Tyler's face flood with relief. the doctor smiled and Tyler. 

"so do you want to do the surgery? i know its a big decision to make, but it can add years to your life." Tyler eagerly nodded his head. 

"Yes! yeah, as soon as i can." Tyler gripped my now sweaty hand tighter and smiled brightly at me. i smiled back at him. Tyler looked back at the doctor who was looking at his computer. 

"the earliest we can fit you in is two weeks from today. would that work for you?" Tyler again nodded with energy and the doctor typed something into his computer before finalizing our visit. 

"Alright, you are all set for surgery on september 16th. until then, continue with your current medication and you will be given your mitotane prescription after surgery."

"okay, thank you. have a good day" Tyler spoke. 

"you too, Tyler." the doctor smiled and we made our way out. we left the office on september 2nd, 2011, with our hearts full of hope for the future. for the future of Tyler, for the future of our band, and for the future of our memories. 

|-/

"yeah they are going to take him into surgery in a couple of minutes... yes, im going to wait the whole time... i'll be fine, mom... okay love you too." i hung up the phone and looked over to Tyler who was laying in the stiff hospital bed. i walk over and sit in the chair next to his bed. 

"you okay, buddy?" i grip his hand only to feel it shaking in my own. "hey Ty, its going to be okay. this will get rid of your cancer! your surgeon is the best in ohio. you have nothing to worry about." just as Tyler smiled at me, a nurse came into the room. 

"hi Tyler! how are you feeling?" she walked over the the bed with a needle in her hand. 

"nervous, but im good. i just can't wait to get this thing out me." The nurse laughed at Tyler's enthusiasm. 

"that's good! i'm just going to give you your general anesthesia. this will make you unconscious during the operation and you will not feel anything." the nurse grabbed Tyler's forearm and stuck the needle into a thin plastic tube that connected to a vein. 

"i'll be back in a minute to get him." the nurse smiled and left the room.

"feel relaxed yet?" Tyler smiled at me and nodded his head. he reached up and touched my face, his eyes fighting to stay open.

"m' ya know.. you're cute. i dunno... i dunno why your s-single." he patted my face light and smiled with his eyes closed. "yes, mhm... very cute." i laughed at Tyler's drowsiness and lightly grabbed his hand from my face. 

"i'll be waiting for you Ty." he nodded again, until his body was completely taken by the anesthesia. i held his hand in mine and i gave him a quick kiss to his forehead. "you are so brave Ty." i smiled at my sleeping friend. the door opened and the same nurse with a few other nurses with her came into the room. 

my hand didn't leave Tyler's until he was taken through the double doors. i watched Tyler for as long as i could through the slim window on the doors. the nurses and sleeping Tyler turned into a room on the right. i couldn't see Tyler anymore but i kept looking through. i looked away when my vision fogged with tears. i wiped the rivulets that were staining my cheeks and went to sit in the waiting area. i grabbed my phone and texted Tyler's parents, letting them know he was okay and that he just went into surgery. 

two hours after he had gone into surgery, Tyler's parents showed up. it would be another two hours before the surgery was complete. i waited those four hours fearing the worst for my friend, biting my nails at any 'what if' question that did not have a pleasant outcome. but when i saw the nurse come out of the dreadful double doors with a smile of her face, i knew Tyler was okay. 

Tyler was cancer free. 

|-/

Tyler stood on the stage, playing the four chords that was the start to our last song. we were in our hometown and since last year, we have built quite a fan base. our band was growing and people were noticing, so much so that we got signed to a record label. Tyler began to speak over his playing, giving it a dramatic effect. 

" i just want to let you all know that we wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for you. our hometown of columbus ohio, we thank you. you believed in us before anyone else did. you gave us support before anyone else did. and each time we perform for you, we want you to know, we are giving it all we got. we are giving you all we got. and i hope you continue to stick with us. because if it weren't for you, we wouldn't have gotten signed by a record label." the crowd cheered making Tyler smile wildly. he looked over to me and i hit my cymbals with a wide smile. 

"thank you for your support and i hope you stick with us." Tyler began to sing his song. i could see a few people in the crowd wipe away some tears as they sang along. i joined Tyler and the song picked up. Tyler bounced and ran around the stage. his energy only fueled me to play harder. i couldn't help but let a few tears slip down my face. they weren't tears of grief, they were tears of relief. my best friend is sharing this moment with me. he is here and is more alive than ever. 

|-/ 

i had come over to Tyler's house to talk more about our upcoming album and to possibly work on some more songs. the record label wanted us to re-release some songs from our second album onto our upcoming one. we were hesitant at first, because that meant we couldn't really put out our second album. however, they were the only record label that listened to our ideas, so we still wanted to sign with them. 

we had been down in Tyler's basement for awhile playing through some new song ideas when finally, Tyler suggested a break.

"want to go for a walk?" he asked. he stood up from the piano and put his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie. i stood up from my drums.

"sure."

it was a crisp evening, the sun had just set and the stars were surfacing the sky. Tyler had always admired the night so it wasn't surprising when he watch as the stars came to find their place. but it was almost as if he was lost in thought. he didn't admire the stars, he searched them. his eyes flying from one star to another, looking for something. a thought? a word? i couldn't make it out. i stopped him in his tracks and that's when he let out a sigh that turned into a slight cough. and that's when i realized what he was searching for, words. 

"what's wrong Ty?" i asked hesitantly, in the fear of already knowing what he was going to say. he sighed again and looked at the ground wiping away a tear with his sleeve. he didn't look back at me and tears sprung to my eyes. i grabbed his face and lifted it up, my hands framing his cheekbones. i searched his eyes with my own. they held distress and anxiety. 

i shook my head and bit my lip to keep me from sobbing out. i pulled him tightly into my embrace. we stood there for awhile under the stars, as the night became more present. it didn't feel right. it was so calm and quiet. we contrasted with the night. it wasn't fair. why weren't the trees setting ablaze? or why wasn't there miles of honking traffic on the road beside us? why was the world completely intact while my world fell completely apart underneath my grasp?

"i promised myself i wouldn't cry when i told you," he said pulling away from me and wiping away more tears. my body was cold. my brain was frozen from anger at the world. so, i stood still. "i-it's everywhere, Josh. it's in my kidney, m-my liver..." i pulled him into my embrace and finally let out the sob i was holding in. hot streams raced down my face. even through Tyler's baggy clothes i could feel his frame. he was smaller than normal and it only made me want to scream. i wanted to scream at the stars that complemented the night sky in such a way that made everything seem fine. but it wasn't. and it would only get worse.

|-/

"they put me back on the chemo but i doubt it will do anything." i heard Tyler sigh on the other end of the line.

"does that mean we have to shave our heads again?" i asked. he let out a small chuckle.

"i do, but you don't." i let out a fake sigh.

"darn, i really was looking forward to looking all tough again." 

"why don't you dye your hair? or get like a piercing or something. then you'll totally look tough and punk at the same time." he laughed a little on the line. i could picture him, smiling into the phone. 

"why don't we both dye our hair? you can do whatever you want before you have to shave it off." he went silent for a second.

"alright yeah. lets do it." i smiled into the phone at his answer. i checked the time on my watch, 7:37. Tyler insisted i go on a date and do something for myself instead of hovering over him like a helicopter. i had to leave no later than 7:45 if i wanted to pick her up on time. i sighed as my nerves start to kick in. i haven't been on a date since before Tyler found out he had cancer the first time. 

"hey J, you'll be fine have a good time. i know you really like this girl, there is no need for me to stop you from doing what you want. i'll be fine." he coughed harshly into the receiver. it was breaking my heart. not being there with Tyler. it was true i really did like this girl, but Tyler is always on my mind. i'm loosing my best friend, a statement i can't seem to wrap my head around. it just didn't seem fair for me to live my life while hes sat at home just rotting away. 

"Josh, don't you dare think about canceling your date." Tyler's voice cut me out of the thoughts. 

"i just want to make sure you are okay." he laughed slightly.

"Josh, you need a break. hang out with someone that isn't me. if you want, you can come over. but only after your date. well, only if you don't take her home with you." i could hear Tyler's smirk. i sighed at his immaturity. i let out a laugh.

"okay, okay. i'll see you later, i have to go pick her up now." i heard Tyler cheer and it brought a smile onto my face."

"yes! that's the Joshua i know. go have fun dude." Tyler ended the call and i walked out of the house to go and pick up debby.

|-/

"i had a great time tonight, josh." i walked debby up to her door with her hand in mine. i smiled into her hazel eyes. 

"i did too, debby. it was nice to get to know you more." she gave a small wave and went up to her door. i put my hands in my pockets and i started to walk back to my car.

"wait, Josh!" i stopped walking and turned around to face debby.

"yeah?" i asked. instead of answering me, she pulled me into a kiss. she pulled away slowly and looked up into my eyes.

"i hope to see you again, josh." and with that she walked away and into her house. i stood, dumbfounded in her driveway until my phone started vibrating in my pocket. i smiled when i saw it was Tyler and i quickly picked up the phone.

"hey Ty-" i was interrupted by harsh sobbing. "Tyler whats wrong?" i hopped into my car and put Tyler on speaker phone while tossing my phone into the passenger seat. it took a few tries to get the key in the ignition because of my shaking hands, but once i did, i was driving as fast as i could to Tyler's house. 

"Tyler! whats wrong?" i asked again, only to hear his loud sobbing over the phone.

"i-it hurts, j-josh." i hear him groan out in pain in between his sobs. 

"Tyler, you need to call 911." i hear him cry out harder.

"n-no Josh, i just need you here." 

"Tyler, we need to get you to the hospital. there is something wrong." i sped up, running a red light, but at that point, that was my last concern.

"t-then you drive m-me." i banged my fist on the steering wheel at his noncooperation.

"Tyler! call a damn ambulance to get you to the hospital!" i practically yelled at him in worry. he sobbed harder into the phone. "Tyler, please, i might not make it in time." when he didn't respond, i grabbed my phone and added 911 to the call.

"911, what's your emergency?" i could barely hear the operator over Tyler's cries but nonetheless, i didn't hesitate to answer.

"m-my best friend had cancer and he needs an ambulance, something is wrong." i blinked away the tears that were threatening to form in my eyes.

"are you with him, sir?" i then began to sob hysterically. i should be with him. i should've cancelled the date. this was all my fault. 

"n-no i'm not but i'm on my way to him." 

"okay where is he?" i hear Tyler scream into the phone which made me jump and pull the steering wheel, almost hitting another car. 

"he's at home." i give the operator Tyler's address and she sends an ambulance over to Tyler's house. i looked into my rear view mirror and i saw flashing lights behind me. i banged my fits onto my steering wheel and screamed as i pulled over to the side. i put my head in my hands and sobbed, knowing each second that passed Tyler was in pain and i was not with him. Tyler's line had gone quiet for awhile which only made me tremble. i was only another five minutes from his house. i got a knock on my window and i rolled it down with my shaky fingers. 

"sir, do you know why i pulled you over?" i lifted my blood shot eyes to his stern ones. i nodded my head in complete understanding.

"yes but it's an emergency. m-my best friend had c-cancer and he called me, screaming in p-pain so i was trying to get to him, i called an ambulance b-but i need to be there." there was noise coming from my phone and i immediately picked it up. 

"hello? Tyler! can you hear me?" i heard more shuffling and then a voice, but it was not Tyler's. 

"are you the man that called for an ambulance? they are taking your friend onto the ambulance now. we found him unconscious. we are taking him to the hospital now." i covered my mouth with my hand and nodded, unable to speak. the line went dead and i looked up to the cop still standing at my window.

"i can escort you to the hospital." i nodded my head quickly and he ran back to his car. he turned on his lights and siren and pulled in front of me. i followed him all the way to the hospital.

i ran into the building, straight to the front desk. 

"where is Tyler joseph?" 

|-/

i ran a hand through my blue hair. a few weeks ago, me and Tyler dyed our hair. sadly, the week after that, Tyler had to shave it off. 

i sat in the waiting room all night with Tyler's parents. they were out to dinner at the time as well, leaving Tyler alone at the time of the incident. the first time we heard anything about Tyler was when his doctor came out at about eight in the morning. but of course, he pulled Tyler's parents into his office and i was left alone to wonder what they were talking about. but a nurse came out while they were still in the doctor's office.

"he is awake right now, if you would like to see him." i stood up quickly and nodded to the nurse. she lead me to his room and i saw him sitting up in the bed. i ran over to the bed and hugged my best friend. i let out a sigh of relief as i felt him hug back. he rubbed my back and i sat down on his bed. he tried to smile but his lips trembled.

"t-they are taking me off the chemo b-because its not working and it just keeps spreading." i pulled away from him and looked at him.

"w-what?"

"t-the cancer keeps progressing, Josh." i shook my head.

"n-no they can't do that. t-they can't just give up like that. w-what if it just needs time to work? i-isn't there anything they can do?" 

"Jos-"

"no Tyler, we need your doctor, he c-can't just quit on you like that. s-something has to work."

"Josh if you just lis-"

"we need a nurse to get your doctor." i stood up from his bed and walked to his door way. "nurse! we need a nurse!"

"Josh pleas-"

"its important! we need a nurse in here!"

"Josh! it's terminal! the cancer is terminal! there is nothing no one can do about it! " i turned away from the door with my heart sunken now six feet under the ground. 

"so what am i supposed to do? j-just let my best friend die?"

"Josh, you know this isn't your fault. please come here." he patted the bed softly. i trudged over and sat on his bed. he grabbed my hand and held onto it tightly. "you know this is not your fault. this is nobody's fault." i shook my head and then rested it on his shoulder.

"so then what happened last night?" he let out a sigh and i lifted my head off his shoulder.

"well since the chemo hasn't been working, that means my tumor kept growing to the point where its pushing against my organs, and it did not feel great." he let out a sad laugh. "but they gave me more drugs to ease the pain. so i'm basically high 24/7 now. but i feel fine now. most of the discomfort was from the after effects of the chemo but since i'm not doing that anymore i feel okay." i nodded my head and smiled at him, giving his hand a tight squeeze.

"you don't deserve to be in anymore pain. and i'll make sure that you aren't." 

|-/

Tyler had been in the hospital for over a month. i visited him every day i could. each day i saw him he was getting worse but at least he didn't feel it. he was as happy as he could be, in this position. i started spending nights as it was hard for him to do much of anything on his own. and i needed to be there for him. 

we were laying in his bed, fingers intertwined in the most innocent and platonic of ways. Tyler's beautiful brown hair had started to grow back. we were staring up at the dated ceiling, above the dead cold floors, and surrounded by the unwelcoming beige walls. the room made the air seem bitter. we clung to each other in the stiff bed for warmth. i was counting every lump on the ceiling until Tyler told me about his fear of dying alone. i told him how he shouldn't worry, because i'll be up there with him. because out of all my reasons given to stay, the one that meant the most was leaving me. so i had to leave too. Tyler wasn't in a good condition. i knew he wouldn't make it much longer. the only time he would move from his bed is when he needed to cough away from me. he was so frail; every bone in his body visible. i tried to comfort him with the idea of, leaving, as best as i could. but i don't think anyone is ever ready to leave. they always leave something behind. loved ones, friends, or even unaccomplished goals. 

"but i am leaving you."he spoke quietly.

"physically, maybe... but your body wasn't yours in the first place. your soul will never die. your body may be dying but your spirit and soul are too strong to die. you'll be with me forever, Ty." he went quiet again for awhile.

"hey Josh?" i hummed in response to his raspy words. "can you get something from my bag in the corner?" 

"yeah, of course." i stood up from the bed and walked to his bag.

"there's a white envelope right at the top. i need that." i unzipped the bag and sure enough, right at the top there is an envelope with my name on it.

"the one with my name on it?" i smiled at him and he nodded his head. i tossed the envelope onto his bed and walked back over to it and sat down.

"i want you to make a promise to me, Josh." i nodded my head and he continued. "don't open this until... until i'm gone, okay?" he handed the envelope to me and i lightly grabbed it and placed it near my bag. 

"thank you, Tyler." he smiled at me. only this time, i felt reality set in. this could be the last time i see my best friend's smile. i take a mental image of his smile before it fades into a yawn. "tired?" he nods his head and i get situated to sleep on the couch. 

"w-wait, can you sleep in my bed? i-i get cold in the middle of the night."

"of course, Ty." i responded because it was true. he does get cold at night. but this time he was especially right. all of his body's energy would leave him tonight. "goodnight, Tyler."

"goodnight, Josh."

|-/

it was strange. one day his body was wake and alive and the next, it was stiff and asleep. i screamed when i found him, knowing it was too soon for my friend. he was cold when i awoke that one morning, colder than his assigned bed he laid upon. no source of energy anywhere to be found from him. it was as if there wasn't any there in the first place. which was not true. "Tyler was the most energetic person i knew. even in his last days, he didn't fail to put a smile on my face. he was quite the thinker too. he would always imagine what others wouldn't dare to. whether it was a t-rex playing the drums, or what to do with himself when he was alone. well, we are all gathered here to show Tyler that he's not alone and he will never be alone. he has left a mark on all our hearts, through his music, personality, and to some even just his kind hearted smile." i took a moment to breathe and wipe away tears. my voice cracked as i continued. "Tyler was my best friend. he still is. and he will always be my best friend. he was there when i needed to laugh and he was there when i needed to cry. he pushed me to do things for myself. he made me the person i am today. and i am forever grateful. Tyler, i hope you are waiting for me up there. I love you." 

i stepped down from the podium and walked over to Tyler's still resting body. it didn't look like him. it was his body, but it wasn't him. it was just his shell. the Tyler i knew was free. i reached down and held his cold hand in mine, just one more time, before heading back to my seat. Tyler's funeral was small and the burial was even smaller, the way he wanted it. he liked things to feel personal. it was mainly just his family, mine, and a few of his friends. 

i returned home from the funeral without my heart. it was under the surface of the earth, buried, with my best friend's body. it left as Tyler's energy left his body; it stopped beating when Tyler stopped breathing. 

i drowned in my emotions. i laid on my bed, staring up at my ceiling, only to picture Tyler's last night with me. i sat up from my bed and rubbed my bloodshot eyes. when my eyes came to focus i saw something white on my dresser. i got up from my bed and went over to my dresser and picked up Tyler's letter. i traced my fingers over where he had written my name in pen. i opened the envelope to find a small piece of paper and a flash drive stuck to the page. the page simply said:

thank you for being my best friend, Josh. i don't think i could've gone through this better if it weren't for you always by my side, reassuring me that death isn't a bad thing. and it shouldn't be. but mine shouldn't cause yours. stay alive for me. 

love, Tyler 

i pulled over my laptop and plugged in the flash drive. on the flash drive was a folder named vessel, our planned title for our third album that was postponed due to Tyler's, well you know. we only needed one song and then the album was complete.

i clicked on the folder and it had all eleven recordings of the finished songs, plus one. the last recording was titled the final song. i clicked on it and it began to play. immediately, i heard Tyler's voice. 

"hey Josh! thank you for everything you've done. i know this is hard for you, but you will get through it. i wrote this song for you. i love you, man." 

the song started on a g major. Tyler was playing the piano, it was simple but beautiful. the chords where soft and warm, adding life to his words. tears steamed in my eyes as i continued to listen. when the song got to the chorus, i lost it all.

"Stay alive, stay alive for me  
You will die, but now your life is free  
Take pride in what is sure to die." 

 

i bawled as i continued to listen to the song. my heart beat rapidly at hearing my best friend's voice again, singing a song he wrote for me.

as the song came to a close Tyler had one more message:

"stay alive for me, Josh." 

|-/

it starting snowing today, which was strange because it wasn't technically winter yet and it doesn't snow much in ohio in december. Tyler loved the snow. he loved how something so cold and lifeless could be so calming. he probably was making it snow. today was Tyler's 28th birthday. 

"happy birthday, buddy." i looked down to the stone grave that had my best friends name written on it. "Debby says happy birthday, too. she said she was sorry she couldn't make it, but she bought you these." i placed a bouquet of flowers down near his grave. "i can't believe its been over four years. crazy, huh?" i wiped a tear away. "i miss you everyday, Ty. there is not one day that passes that i don't think about you. i play our music all the time, just so i can hear your voice. " i look down to the stroller next to me. a small pair of brown eyes, that where similar to mine, look up at me. i smile. "hey Ty, i have someone i want you to meet." i lifted the infant out and rocked him in my arms. "this is my son, Tyler Robert Joseph Dun. the name is kinda long but i think it fits him quite well. he's creative just like you." i smiled down at the child in my arms. before looking up at the sky to see it starting to snow again. "i hope you are good up there, flying around and doing whatever makes you happy. i'll see you up there soon man, okay? i hope you are waiting for me." i put Tyler back in the stroller as it began to snow more. 

"i'll always love you man, Happy Birthday."

|-/


End file.
